


Family Mouse

by Zampano



Category: Pinky and the Brain
Genre: Homophobia Warning, It's bad, M/M, just absolutely terrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:42:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28001853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zampano/pseuds/Zampano
Summary: The Brain attempts to assuage the average homophobic audience.I was weirded out by the bizarre father/son vibes the reboot seems to be pushing and wrote this into a tumblr post.
Relationships: Brain/Pinky (Pinky and the Brain)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	Family Mouse

sometimes you have to make a compromise to earn yourself a large enough audience. hulu. disney. children’s programming. nu americana, where it’s okay to be gay but that’s gotta go post-watershed. so you make a compromise, and the compromise is, what kids call these days, a _nullus homo decretum_. your partner says, didn’t they move hot topic to the mezzanine last year? ****

you ignore this. you tell him, pinky, in order to secure a neutral audience response equilibrium, we must adopt a persona that the american audience considers upstanding and wholesome. we cannot be lovers.

your partner cries. your partner says, but brain! we had a child together! we ran for president together, and what could be more romantic than that? you hush him. you tell him, compromises must be made. once you are ruler of the world, things such as these would hardly matter; you would silence naysayers with an iron fist. alas, for now, you must be on the safe side. you inform him, as much as he is willing to listen, that there are words he absolutely cannot use to describe your relationship on american children’s programming. you bring up the list, scrawled in sharpie with the handwriting of a child:

_vulnerable  
entitlement  
fetus  
diversity —_

wait. that’s the incorrigibly stupid list. you dispose of it, and bring up yours, in much cleaner lettering:

_homosexual  
gay  
dating  
boyfriends  
sexual partners  
netflix account sharers  
bae OR boo  
loml (lover of mother loretta)  
lovers  
batmen  
a pair of old queens  
husbands  
fiancés  
the other dog  
mouse spouse  
spouse  
partridge_

it goes on, a few more pages. you tell pinky to memorize all of this. and then you give him a list of words he can use:

_business partner  
cagemate  
person i will chill with in a hot tub five feet away from  
friend  
best man for my future heterosexual wedding_

and on and on. you make him memorize all of this as well. and then you tell him, here’s the final masterstroke, pinky. to truly bring the american audience to our side, we need to be warm and loving, but familial as to dispel any doubts cast upon our relationship which might work against us. pinky, are you pondering what i’m pondering?  
  
‘i think so brain, but if there’s a train going full-speed east and a train going full-speed west, why is it called the pick-a-deli line?”

no, pinky, you say. pay attention. for the sake of this plan, i am your father.

nooooooooooooo, says pinky, and does a very impressive imitation of falling into the clouds of bespin. khan noonien singh is not my _father_! he bemoans.

spare the pencil and spoil the son, you say. he yelps when you thwack him.

the american audience absolutely loves you. children are your target audience, but you know the adults are watching. their lingering nostalgia and want for a return to their childhoods, and their disposition to forge vicarious bonds with their parents in an imaginary, hypothetical past fuels your brand with the power of a thousand suns. and the children love it every time you thwack pinky. honestly, that’s probably driving your ratings for the most part, loathe as you are to admit it. your competitor, soggy and the millipedes, is crushed under your heel.

father, says pinky, show me how the horsey-worsies dance. you scripted this for him.

using a pair of cleverly crafted puppets, you show him how the horsey-worsies dance.

weeks of this travesty pass, and your ratings climb sky-high. and so you are at the zenith of your plan: the nickelodeon kid’s choice awards. you know you’re going to win, and then you will run your mind control ray. this is where it ends, or more aptly, _begins_. this is where you, brain, ruler of the world, begin.

(mind control ray. don’t the writers get tired of that deus ex macguffin?)

you’re on the stage. the interviewer is leaning in so low her pearl necklace is touching the floor. you are small, albeit mighty. your interview goes well at the beginning, and the middle (‘yes, we do not consider intelligence to be a particularly desirable trait in children at this phase’ and ‘no, i would prefer not to talk about my wife, i would hate to bring up any of pinky’s terrible, repressed memories’ and so on).

then the interviewer says, it is very modest of you to remain in the same house where you had your humble beginnings. and pinky says, haha yes, zort, we are roommates.

and oh my god, says soggy from the front row, with his nasty little millipede friends. and they were _roommates_.

and the chatter builds like a wave. the rumor mill churns before your very eyes. pinky panics. you feel the world crumble out from under your feet, so close to your grasp and yet —

(you’ll grasp it with your little mouse feet if need be —)

‘i’m so sorry, daddy!’ wails pinky. ‘i — i forgot the safe words!’

that’s how it goes.

here’s sisyphus, the moron, dropping the rock.

you do not see this, but the news headlines read _DEGENERACY AFOOT AT NICKELODEON_. the news anchor is scandalized. the ticker tape announces a new robin thicke and miley cyrus single featuring cardi b. another network, another headline: _IS THE FAMILY NO LONGER SACRED?_ and on, and on, and on.

you thwack pinky with your microphone.

and now the headlines read, _PUBLIC DISPLAY OF ‘FIFTY SHADES’ LIFESTYLE BY TV FAVORITES._

your empire crumbles.

and so you find yourself, heading back to the lab, to prepare for tomorrow night.

‘gee brain,’ says pinky. ‘what are we going to do tomorrow night?’

the same thing we do every night, pinky, you say, try to —

you stop yourself. ‘you know what,’ you say instead. ‘frankly, i’m a little afraid to say it now.’

‘oh, maybe we should try hand signals next time?’ says pinky.

🎶 they’re dinky, they’re ki — goodnight everybody!


End file.
